Before I Sleep a.k.a. Diary Drowsiness

I've been copping lip from a dear, dear friend of mine ever since the "...my caged soul" comment appeared in last week's episode. The only thing I can say in my defence is that I was 21. Now, beware or I'll release some of my angst-ridden poetry on you, and that was written when I was still 20 so it's even more overwrought.

Today's staccato entries are punctuated by bouts of sleep. I guess I tended to write late at night.

On reflection, Jigalong and the boys I worked with made such a mark on my life. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them. Pete and Kane are married now to two of the acest women in the world that they met in the desert. Dave is still in Indonesia, I think. I really have to get in contact.

Friday 6 December
Well school has finished for the year and I am back in Perth, I suppose it goes without saying that I haven’t written in my diary for quite a while. Ultimately that has to do with the fact that nothing ever happens in Jigalong that is worth writing about. Of course I know that that is not the reason that I have not written for over a month because I actually have quite a deal to recount. Of course now typing it out seems so unproductive because... I think I will have to continue this tomorrow, Good night.


Saturday 7 December
Well, where to start? A fortnight ago I got drunk, there’s a good start seeing that I have never before gotten drunk. Why? I’m not really sure, because I felt like it, because I wanted to find out what it felt like. In the end it was nothing special, at the time it was intriguing, interesting at the very least. I was surprised how well my mind stayed intact despite my body’s reluctance to follow my mind’s instructions. It was rather liberating to have my mind divorced from my body but for all the after effects, the drowsiness the next day and the vomiting, it really wasn’t worth it. After all this time I don’t really feel like writing anything else down about this except that after that night I seem to have developed this crush on Kane. It really has to be a crush because it could never eventuate into a relationship and I know this full well. But despite all this Kane is the kind of guy I could quite happily settle down with, at least stick with for a while. That of course made the last week in Jigalong a little difficult to deal with because it was to be his last. Ultimately the whole affair was rather enlightening because it made the whole issue more realistic despite the fact that I knew I would never actually make love to him I was readily able to dream that it would happen. This all also brought to mind the incredible potential for unrequited love that homosexuality offers, in a twisted way. This doesn’t really supply any solid basis for happiness, it really only opens up avenues for one to seem pathetic but it is bordering on romantic.

Me, circa 1996

Monday 16 December
Well I finally told Mum that I am gay and along the way I told Katie. What a relief to finally get it off my chest. All in all they took it rather well, as it turns out Katie thought that I was queer anyway and Mum had expected that this was the news I was going to tell her. That being said they were both still rather shocked, I’m not a screaming queen for god’s sake, but I think that they will both come to terms with it very quickly.

On the other hand Mum did have a few troubles with the fact that I am not just confused and she expects to see me with another girl sometime soon, that and the psychologist thing, but she will learn sooner or later that I am not simply confused, not that I am that sure myself but I feel safe enough that I am gay to have put myself through all this so there must be some ounce of truth to the feelings. I thought one of the best comments Mum made was “That doesn’t doesn’t mean that you are going to sleep with another man does it?” I mean what does she expect me to do, stay alone for the rest of my life? Find a boyfriend so that we can hold hands?

The truth is that I am just dying to sleep with another man, to feel his hands on my skin, his tongue down my throat. Just to feel that close to another person, still I am dead tired and I really should get to sleep.


Wednesday 1 January
Well it is the first day of the new year and since my new year’s resolution is to get laid it would seem that this year could be quite the bender. Not that last year was not a good year, all in all it must be said that in the scheme of my life it would have to go down as one of the most formative, I finally found a crossroads of some grandiosity, a marbled crossroads, and the choices which I have made will have an enormous effect on the rest of my life but even so I’m quite relieved to see the back of last year and the promise of times to come.

A reflection on the past year and the changes which have occurred in me... Well, it all started with the fear of not receiving a position for this year and the following acceptance of Jigalong. Fear abounding, the horror of leaving home for a new life with people who I had never met and the separation from everything that I was used to being around. Well how it all turned out, how have I grown from the experience. For a start I swear far more than I have the rest of my entire life, I listen to a good deal of “popular” music, and I have been drunk (an experience sufficiently explored already).

I also met some great people who, though I wouldn’t venture to assume that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life (we do still keep in touch, but I am reasonably crap at it) I am certainly pleased to have known. In saying all that I could quite easily never see Dave or Justin ever again (I don't know what Davo had done at the time but I certainly got over it... Jusin on the other hand...), but I am certainly grateful to have met Pete and Kane, who have in their own ways profoundly contributed to my coming out, at least spiritually. It certainly is peculiar that the people who I was initially drawn to are those that I now find quite repellent and those who I initially had no time for are those who I have really connected with.

How all this could affect me in the future. I can only assume that my past experiences will push me towards recreating myself as someone more alive and willing to put myself out to know people, someone more happy and at peace with himself...and laid.

I have a great deal more to write here about the new year and the party at Mel’s for new year’s eve but I am really very tired so I shall continue this tomorrow hopefully... and I will, call it a bonus episode.


Previous diary entries:
I Wanna Play
Confessions of an Amateur Melodramatist

Tags: diary, coming out, gay