Back To The Bush

Missed me?

We've been off at the theatre, locked in the kitchen cooking and eating up a storm in Daylesford. Please don't stress, there are many posts to come of the filly-inny variety.

I've returned just in time to make sure I don't have to rename Diary Sunday, Diary Monday... lucky you!

Me and Sista Way Back When

Thursday 30 January 1997:
Well, I am finally back in Jigalong and once more I am depressed and wishing I were back in Perth. All this depression really cannot be good for the soul, I cannot say anymore that I am enjoying what I am doing up here because there are just too many problems that keep popping up and new dilemmas to worry over. The big news now is that there is a big possibility that we will be loosing a couple of teachers from here still and if the question arose as to who would like to move on I no longer think that I would have the inclination to stay.

Every day that I spend here I feel more and more like I am wasting my time for no good reason when I could be teaching my own class in a community that is working and populated or in a town or in Perth or overseas, preferably somewhere where there is some possibility of getting laid without the baggage of small town politics ripping my soul apart. Of course the presence of opportunity does little to spur me on over that very first hurdle of actually meeting a guy, and that seems to be the biggest hurdle at the moment. I tell myself over and over that it is really only because I haven’t the time when I am down and that I should be spending time with my friends and that I haven’t got my own place and in some measure I think that this is true but there is a part of me that is scared that I am avoiding the event as I always avoid change, by ignoring it, and the longer I do that the more useless I feel inside for not having pushed myself, I must keep remembering...A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

Now, after my much dreamt over seven week holiday I feel like I have wasted the best opportunity that I will have for at least another year to discover myself and to find love, not that I believe that I will ever find it... but I’ll dream still. I read today that deep down most fags are incurable romantics...if only!!! That’s another thing I have been thinking about lately, how normal I feel, how all the hoo haa people make about gays is really ridiculous because the only thing different about me is that I am attracted to men rather than women, there is nothing else about me that is different than any other person in the world, excepting of course all those things that make each of us individuals, but for example Pete’s view of me would considerably change if he knew I was gay but I am still the same individual that I was before that knowledge.

All this sounds very basic to me now but it is something that has been upsetting me for many years and the ignorance of this idea in others will no doubt cause me a lot of pain in the years to come. Not that I could blame Pete for changing his view because I effectively would have changed in his eyes, what I dislike is that his view will be influenced by everything that he believes about homosexuality at the moment and not by the very simple fact that I find men more attractive than women and that is where all the fear and loathing of homosexuals will be a mill stone around my neck.

Previous diary entries:
I Wanna Play
Confessions of an Amateur Melodramatist
Before I Sleep a.k.a. Diary Drowsiness
Goodbye 1996!!!

Tags: diary, coming out, gay