Diary: Losing My Religion Virginity

Well, I suppose this is why I included my diary here on the blog. In know a few of my fellow bloggers are going through similar shit right now. So here is the payoff. Just joking.

When it came down to actually posting the gritty details I chickened out (don't worry, you're not missing much!) but the important stuff is there.

Interestingly, some of the most monumentous events of my life are foreshadowed in this diary entry. It is strange that the events that really shape you aren't always those you are concerned about at the time.

18 April 1998
It is bizarre how the passage of time seems to be disjointed in this diary, if I were motivated enough to write in it every day then the whole text would flow much smoother. Let’s just say that the opportunity arose last night and we did and there’s an end to it all, and a beginning.

It all started the same way, well not really... It all started similarly to before, toey, desperate, shy, self conscious guy comes down from up north looking for some r and r (and that little something more). Unfortunately this time he has one of his work mates tagging along for the ride, worse still the work mate doesn’t know this guy is gay, is female, is just as shy and self conscious and has a crush (bad word) on the guy (speculation sure but from reliable sources).

So here I am down in Perth and I still have to look after someone who enjoys as much as I do a good video and we drift into that horrible world of culture shock, preferring to sit on our arses rather than going out and doing things. Then comes Margaret River, a short stay in the beautiful south with Jo, Jana, Kate, Fleur and Tuesdee- it was all very chicky so you can imagine how I felt.

Side step if you don’t mind...

I don’t think I have committed into the microchip world the problems that have been rising in the staff at Jigalong. Don’t look at me I have very few gripes so it has nothing to do with me except that I end up being the one person that gets stuck in the middle because I am the only person who gets told nearly everything by nearly everyone, great situation- someone poisoned the altar wine. As it stands at the moment most of the staff have taken issue with Jo on some point or another, her attitude, her socialising habits, her communication skills whatever and there has been this swelling of discontent. On the other side, Jo thinks (or I thought she thought) that everything is peachy keen and sunny side up except she wants to start a relationship with George, Fleur’s recent ex, which I could see causing huge problems for her with just about everyone in her professional life.

Yeah so I asked permission from Tuesdee to let slip with some general comments to Jo and as it turned out it was in Margaret River when we were walking down to pick up some take-aways that we had the conversation... Jo asked me whether if I were her would I buy into the George Fleur situation (Haaah, George isn’t bad but no) and then I had my bit to say and pretty much shattered her evening, thank God that she had Jana, another principal there to talk to. But it is all out in the open now.

Two other major conversations came up that night, firstly I had a chat to my sister who hinted at Tuesdee’s thoughts and then admonished me about my virginity, well I suppose that that is all under the bridge now, but she did have some strange ideas, not new just strange. I love the way that straight people don’t think the whole attraction thing through when it come to same sex partnerships, it is always that one’s gay why aren’t you sleeping with him? Then it is like you say look there is a straight guy go and sleep with him and they are like, why should I, he’s not my type? Anyway the other conversation I had with Fleur about George and Jo and why they are in this mess at the moment. Eventually it turns out that they have gone a bit stale at the moment and she fancied someone else up in the Pilbara (someone in the remotes who is still here this year) which got her thinking, and I hope to God that it is not me, that would make three.

But enough of divulgences...

So we are back from Margaret River and instead of going to stay with Justin, Tuesdee has decided to take up my mother’s offer and to stay with us for the rest of the holiday, which is fine because she is really nice but she really won’t want to come out to the places that I want to go to. I sit in depression trying to figure out how I can get out and have some fun without hurting her feelings because she is so much like how I used to be. In the end I just say that I am going out to somewhere where she won’t like the music and be done with it.

First time ever I have been out without anyone to meet, except for Shane who said that he might pop his head in, so I was a little bit apprehensive. Just before I leave I get a call from Fleur, who I was supposed to meet up with but had pulled the pin, who wants to know where I am going and who with so she can meet up with me, and she is spun out that I am going out all alone.

I get a cab into Northbridge with spooky, weird looking guy and then prop myself up at the Divebar with a drink, hoping to God that someone will come up and talk to me so I don’t look like a complete fool, luckily someone did.

“Do you have any Aboriginal in you?” or at least that is what I thought he said, then he did sound incredibly amazed when I said no, so maybe I got it wrong.

So I met J.P. Steve, Paul and some other guy all from the U.K. and over here for some reason, the problem was they were all pissed as and straight but it passed the time. Then I saw Brad walk in, he didn’t seem to recognised me and went over to talk with some guy and some girl. Eventually he ended up standing next to me and must have noticed my staring at him and it finally dawned on him who I was and he ended up explaining about the phone call and how he thought that I was going out with Shane, who ended up standing on the other side of me at that very moment which I found immeasurably amusing.

We talked and talked and I slowly talked him around to thinking of spending the night which wasn’t hard the main thing was convincing him that he would get his apples at the end of the night (after the obligatory dance at Connies which I bargained up to one hour but I didn’t last that long because I just wanted to hit the sack). We ended up in the hotel Ibis on Murray Street and he just started up as I lay on the bed kissing me and rubbing my chest. He unbuttoned my fly and started feeling my cock which was already hard. It was such a weird sensation to have it actually happen and not to just imagine it. He was more understanding than I thought he would be given that it was my first time and he just went slowly and kept praising the hair on my body and the shape of my cock.

Edited for propriety's sake

Well that is all I am going to write for now, I guess I still have to write all the important stuff but that can wait for a while.

19 April 1998
So, the important stuff then. How did I feel? How did it feel? Did I like it? It is so weird and in a way I wish I had written of all this when I first came home from that night because what I feel about it now is so different to what I felt then.

I remember feeling like, Is that it!!! and Wow I wasn’t missing all that much!!! But then there is also this huge voice in my head saying, “I’ve had sex!!!”. Now I am thinking that I just want to go and do it all over again, but now with someone I find truly attractive and while I am a little more sober. I didn’t think that I was too pissed at the time but as I think back I must have been because a lot of the sensations had that drunken dullness to them and the whole event seems to have been sliced through with those blank feelings and time distortions. To do it all sober and with someone like say... Matt Damon (yeah I know, in my dreams) would be just divine.

Being penetrated was the least of my worries and actually I quite enjoyed it and penetrating was less threatening than I thought it would be but also a little less enjoyable but I am sure that was mostly due to the amount of alcohol in my system. See it always comes back to the alcohol, I am really going to have to pick up when I am straight so that I can truly test those waters.

22 April 1998
Ha, sometimes you have to laugh don’t you! I was with my father and my sister in the car driving out of the Police and Nurses building the other day and I actually saw Brad standing on the side of the road ready to cross. At first I thought that it can’t be but then I remembered the poor guy worked at the place. He was a suit. It was so strange seeing him in the daylight and out in the “real world”. At the time, as I was laughing quietly to myself, I thought I can’t believe I actually slept with that guy... He really is far less attractive when you’re sober.


Previous diary entries:
I Wanna Play
Confessions of an Amateur Melodramatist
Before I Sleep a.k.a. Diary Drowsiness
Goodbye 1996!!!
Back To The Bush
How Time Flies
End Of An Era
Kissy Kissy
Diary Tonic

Tags: diary, coming out, gay