How Time Flies...

12 November 1997
Well, look who has been neglecting his diary, nearly a whole fucking year has gone by and I haven’t written a word. Well I really cannot go all the way into what has happened this year, and rereading this diary I notice that I have been hugely focused on sex. Needless to say, I haven’t collected in that department yet but all the feelings that I have described, the hopefulness and the dreaming the imaginings and the lust is still there but now so much a part of my waking hours that they really are beyond comment.

I suppose this diary has thus far been a documentation of my coming out and that is really quiet tedious so I have decided at this point to open up this diary to my complete arena of thoughts. That said, I will still recount the one major event in this facet of my life. Yes I went to Connections last holidays... And it was really ordinary. Mind you I had just come out of a rather sombre movie and I was feeling quite a bit of trepidation and I was driving so I was not able to drink. The music was bad and dancey- I think that they only played one decent song (and I am listening to it right now) Björk’s Hyper-ballad. Otherwise it was pretty dull. I did meet up with Mark with whom I went to school and was once very very intimate friends (though not completely intimate) with. He is still as dull as two planks, but then I was not in a very good mood at the time, there was really nothing completely remarkable about the night, or maybe it is too long ago for me to want to go into all the gory details of the whole affair. Though I may feel differently next time I go back.

In other late breaking news, I met a girl named Jo and she wanted to have a “good time” which I had to put a stop to, unfortunately I didn’t put a stop to it soon enough which caused a bit of heartache. I couldn’t help but feel that I had gone back in time and was in another one of those conversations with Mel in which I tried to talk around or dodge around all the questions which were being thrown at me. This was made extremely difficult by Jo who pulled an I am being totally honest stunt and worst of all she was, totally. This made me, on the flip side, look and feel terribly stupid and immature and in many ways I have in this affair been very childish, short sighted and self involved. For a start, even if I did not want to admit the possibility to myself I was trying in some part to win her and to that end I used sexual messages. Of course I knew that they didn’t mean anything and I think that a lot of the messages were purely my feeling far more liberated than I have in the sexual sphere in the past, unfortunately I neglected to make it explicit that I did not mean anything to come of the whole deal.

I must admit that the unveiling of Jo’s feelings for me still came as a shock to me purely because I didn’t believe that I was good enough to warrant that kind of affection. I am eager to play the whole thing down to inexperience and naivete but there is still something inside of me that says that the whole affair was carried out with barrels of subconscious thought on my part and I know now that I shall never put anyone in that situation again if I can help myself. As it is I am going to try to build a friendship out of this horror story, keep you posted...

25 November 1997
A short thought on the issue of trust despite knowing where it came from. Important? I think so, we all want it but for most of us it is incredibly hard to give. I for one don’t believe that it is easy to receive either though it is immeasurably easier to receive than it is to give - in opposition to many things in life. What do we get from giving such an integral piece of ourselves to another person? Happiness? Possibly but I think that that is only an welcomed spin off. Security? I suppose though it takes a strong person to divulge themselves so wholly that they have complete ease of spirit that their trust is so well founded. Connection? Most definitely for there is no avenue to complete connection if it is not the giving of the innermost part of the soul. Open your chest to everyone and you are likely to get your heart wrenched out of it, it takes trust to be able to become so vulnerable.

How can we gauge trust? It is a most pressing question, when does someone become deserving of our complete trust? When they ask for it or say that they deserve it? Surely not it is not there place to say and yet we constantly claim to be worthy of the trust of others. And yet the yielding of trust differs from person to person. Why do we feel we can trust someone immediately and others never? And why is it sometimes the people we love most that are the hardest to trust? Perhaps because we have so much more to lose, yet it is these people that we should trust the most.

Anyway it is under two weeks until the end of term and I am bored shitless every day after school. I don’t know why because I have plenty of things to do, maybe it is just anticipation of something big, though I don’t know what that is because I don’t feel particularly portentous. I keep thinking about next year though and how different it is going to be, how I will no longer be able to teach everyone and although I never thought that I would say it, I will really miss that. I suppose I am getting by though by trying to organise this trip to Melbourne for next years ski season. I still don’t think that it will come off but it is good to hope. Actually I think what I am most upset about is that I will not be able to teach the High School class next year because I really enjoyed the group of kids this year and the way that you could reason with them and discuss issues that they feel important about. I think that I could have done so much with them but that is all lost now because Justo is still going to be here next year and will probably fuck arse around all year again and those kids will learn nothing.

Previous diary entries:
I Wanna Play
Confessions of an Amateur Melodramatist
Before I Sleep a.k.a. Diary Drowsiness
Goodbye 1996!!!
Back To The Bush

Tags: diary, coming out, gay