Head On (or, Loaded)

Christos Tsiolkas' first novel, Loaded was incredibly important to me when I was coming out. That might seem a little strange; I'm not greek, I didn't live in Melbourne and I wasn't into hedonistic drug taking. But it spoke to me on a masculine level. Ari was confused about the world like I was confused about the world. Back before I came out, I shared his nihilism.

Ana Kokkinos' film, based on Loaded was equally important to me because it starred my first gay love affair, Alex Dimitriades.

Looking back on the film now, I still see why I loved it but I also see its glaring flaws. I love the immigrant philosophy Kokkinos weaved into the film though now it seems quite heavy-handed. I found so much meaning in Ari's attachment to Shaun, but now that seems so superficial and underdeveloped. Worst of all though is the ending. Seeing Kokkinos' recent release The Book of Revelation it is easy to see that she favours the intellectual symbol over the depiction of the real and it is more than evident in final act of the film.

While it fits perfectly with the downtrodden, alley-sex, underground tone of the film it seems ridiculous now that Kokkinos didn't counterbalance all that bleakness with a more realistic view of the "out" gay world instead of strapping up everyone in 3 Faces with leather and adding a dark room, especially when the film was already about to step into "romantic" territory with Shaun's ridiculous protestation, "I think I'm falling in love with you, Ari."

In the end it is easy to walk away from Head On thinking Ari was quite right to be such a miserable cunt. Thankfully I managed to outgrow all that self-hating bullshit. It is a pity that some of us never do. And, I guess, it is comforting to know that Ari is always there, looking hot and reminding us never to go back.

Tags: gay, queer film, movie review